Music and Movies . . . (Journal Entry, 6/12/2001)

Pearl Harbor –
The Gladiator –
Once Upon A Time in America --

Movies I recently watched; entranced by the genius of the intertwining of story and music.

Always it is music that moves me, filling me with emotions I can’t express and barely understand, taking me to a place I want -- need??? -- to dwell. For now; for these moments of reflection. Why?

Pearl Harbor --

Sadness, pain, mother love???

I sense the spirits of these youngsters milling about the music filling my heart and I am overcome with feelings of grief and love. For children I never knew. Survivors who are older than me. Non-survivors who are forever younger than me.

I am in the moment; it is where I want to be, to experience and absorb these feelings. Why?

The spirits of these heroic dead call out to me from the music. These "spirits" draw me to the place – what place? – where they reside. I want to be there with them. I want to hold them and wipe away their tears. I want to lay my hands on their wounds and heal them. Touch them with hands that carry the love of a nation so they will feel our thankfulness for the sacrifice they made.

Why do I feel the need to experience this, to be "there", wherever "there" is. Even though it rips my heart in two, it is not a frightening place. In my own spirit I wander there in my mother’s mantle, embrace the valiant warriors, no more than boys, and press them to my breast. And, once again, I am reminded that War is at once humanity’s most despicable crime and it’s finest hour.

The Gladiator --
Once Upon a Time in America --

What is the genius of these composers who capture the spirit and emotion of the events portrayed in these movies? They tap so creatively into the feelings and emotions I am experiencing and being musically gifted they are able to set it to music.

Suddenly a random thought pops into my head about the difference in time remaining –

-- from babyhood to eternity and
– from me (old) to eternity

Maybe being closer affects my thinking. Maybe this is just a part of growing old and accepting the inevitability of the end to this life. An easing into the place we know as eternity. Is this God’s/nature’s way of preparing us, taking us, inch by inch, into this world beyond our world?

Or is this just crazy, wacky old me, again . . . ?

Where Have All the Strong Men Gone . . . (Journal Entry 08/04/1998)

The events are real.  A situation a relative had to deal with and resolve.

It renews a train of thought -- and question -- I have had for many years.   The series of events that actually occurred become a perfect example to illustrate my point.

It seems to me it STILL is and probably ALWAYS WILL BE a man's world.

Women's Lib came along and fought for and got some recognition and justice for women.  So now, supposedly, we are equal.  We can screw around just like the men.

Except some of us don't really want to screw around.  Okay, we don't make a big issue of "you can't F--- me unless we're married.  We've learned that getting married in order to have sex is a very STUPID reason to get married.

So some of us don't hold out anymore. 

But something bad has happened along the way.  Women are STILL getting screwed.  Just in a different way.  Here is my illustration:

Along comes this guy.  He is attracted to the young woman.  Crazy about her in some ways.  Possessive at times.

So he barrels into her life.  Helping her financially.  Buying a car (in his name but she has it to use whenever); building/fixing/painting things in her house.  Helping her pay for her horse, for God's sake.  Spends weekends with her. 

Time goes by.

Now he comes over during the week, as well.  She cooks for him, nurtures him whatever way he needs nurturing

It begins to look like a long-term thing.

Then he drops the BOMBSHELL..

Along the way they began to talk about "things".  Now he wants to "move in".  He tells her:  "I would have to live with someone for at least three years before I would know whether or not we should be married."

Fortunately, the young woman has the good sense to say "no way, buster."

She knows what a terrible example this would set for her children.  Plus, I hope she realizes by the time they lived together for three years there would never be a marriage.

He will have gotten disappointed or angry or whatever enough times that he will think, "Oh, I guess she isn't my dream girl after all."

GIVE ME A BREAK. 

THERE IS NO DREAM GIRL.  THERE IS NO DREAM GUY.

You COMMIT and work it out.  Or else you don't.

So here we are, girls.  Still getting the short end of the stick.

Peter Pan is alive and well. 

My question is, "Where have all the strong men gone?"

It Was Just a Bear . . . A Polar Bear

Oh, great. Here I am again. Crying my eyes out because I just read a news blurb on AOL that a Polar bear, a mother bear, swam 232 hours, lost her cub, and lost 22 pounds searching for a piece of ice to rest on.

T-w-o  h-u-n-d-r-e-d  t-h-i-r-t-y - t-w-o  H-O-U-R-S.

I cannot imagine this. I cannot swim from one side of the pool to the other.

Picturing the bear's travail, my heart explodes with mental and spiritual anguish and I cannot stop crying. It was just a bear, after all. Relatively speaking, this is not a world tragedy.

Or is it . . .

Maybe we should be concerned about why she could find no ice on which to rest.

It Was Just A Pig . . . A Swine

It was just a pig.  It had fallen in the mud.  Pigs wallow in the mud all the time, don't they?

But this pig in the mud had fallen because children were kicking it and beating it with a stick.  The children were camping with their parents; parents who were members of a White Supremist Group.  Out for a fun weekend in the country.  The adults had greased the pig, turned him loose, and the kids were chasing him.  I guess this is supposed to be fun . . . for the kids.

As I watched I started to cry. For this pig.  Because the children were kicking it and beating it.  I guess they finally killed it.

I don't know for sure because I had to change the channel.  If I cried so over a pig, I guess you can imagine how I felt about the people who were the brunt of the hatred exposed in this documentary.
-------------
The program was on the Documentary Channel. Tonight, 7:00 p.m., a program called The Psychology of Hate. 
-------------

Bless the beasts and the children
for in this world they have no voice
they have no choice

Bless the beasts and the children
for the world can never be
the world they see
Light their way
when the darkness surrounds them
give them love
let it shine all around them
. . .

Wish I'd Said That -- 01/17/2011

Last night I watched Tavis Smiley interview Graham Nash of Crosby, Stills, and Nash fame.  I learned that Graham is still doin' his thing.  Except I didn't know he was a musician AND a photographer.  He is great at both.  Just published another photography book, Taking Aim. 

He keeps on keepin' on. And he said something amazing.

* * * * *

You know that famous Bible verse, the shortest one -- Jesus wept?  You can read a little or a lot into it.  To me, two words that say so much.

Continuing that train of thought -- if I had to be as brief and succinct about my philosophy of life as possible, I can't think of a better way to explain it than the way Graham Nash did last night to Tavis Smiley.

"I have to be what I want the world to be."

Wish I'd said that.

Salon Meeting -- Aftermath of NINE ELEVEN (09/29/2001)

Already I’m losing it. That magnificent inciteful thought! (Well, I thought it was magnificent obviously or I wouldn’t care about writing it down.)

Last night’s Salon at Joy’s. Discussing the tragedy, patriotism, and the subject of the evening – John Edward, a spiritual psychic who has a daily program called, “Crossing”. We listened to a 30-minute tape of him talking with a family who lost their little boy in a bike/car accident. Sylvia Brown, another spiritual psychic. Josie (my Michigan daughter-in-law) has read ALL her books.

Holly said she was at a place in her life where she wanted to be open to consider ALL possibilities and presented a “what if” or “is it possible” scenario.

What if there IS a dimension after/past this one, filled with the spirits of those who have gone on?. Can we open our minds to accept that possibility?

Of course I spoke up and said, “Well, I don’t have to expand my thinking to include that because I’ve always believed that anyway.”

I think God realizes that, for the most part, we can’t comprehend the wonder, the magnificence of that “other” world and so we are clothed in this finite body/mind to protect us, so to speak, until . . . we reach the other side. But some of us “seek” that understanding, that experience, and they have developed some measure of ability--that we all have--to accept/receive that experience/knowledge. And so those spirits who have passed over can use these individuals to communicate. Maybe. Possibly.

Even the Bible talks about “gifts of the spirit” meaning if you desire something, if you pursue it, welcome it, you can have it. Our world is full of the results of people who sought the gift; of words, of music, of painting, of democratic concepts, etc.

The Bible also says God “spoke” the world into existence. The Bible and other wise writings, self-help books, etc., expound “The Power of Positive Thinking”. Believing is Seeing, instead of the other way around.  Dr. Andrew Weill says we should stop discounting the “placebo effect”. Healing is healing, after all. However, his main point is we need to study this phenomenon and understand the tool it is for healing; drugs often have bad side effects. Placebos have NO side effects.

So believing something is possible is a big part of accomplishment, the catalyst. If I want to play the piano badly enough, I will practice and study and practice and study . . . until I can play the piano. To my satisfaction at least.

* * * * *

Maybe a gift is nothing more than an inclination to do, to be, and then, “you go, girl!”

* * * * *

Reincarnation. We discussed out of body experiences, near-death experiences, spiritual mediums. Some were more skeptical than others. We raised a lot of questions and “what ifs”. I said, "Well, we WILL know these answers. Some day." “Unless there is nothing”, said one skeptic. Another valid “what if”.

I do know that I meet people and think: this is an old soul. I don’t meet them too often but they are out there. In a way I feel like one myself. Isn’t that egotistical! But what I really mean is that I feel wise about life; life from the perspective of a woman born when and where, that is.

* * * * *

I know that as a liberal Christian I tolerate/am not offended by more things than conservative Christians. That is a conscious and thoughtful decision; meaning I thought about it and it is my intenion.

Although my knowledge of reincarnation is limited, what little I do know does not conflict with any principle of Christianity that I accept/believe/understand.

The same is true for what little I know of Buddhism. After attending those (3) Wednesday sessions at church a few years ago when the speaker explained the Basics. To sum up what I know of it is this: here is a problem, here is a solution, and here are the steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 broken down in easy-to-understand language of how to implement that solution. The tools, so to speak, for practicing my Christianity.  Kewl!

'Cause that is me! That is what I try to do with every task I undertake, whether it’s washing clothes or balancing checkbooks or mowing lawns. How I can I do this the easiest, most efficient way? That has always been important to me. It is the analytical side of me. It organizes and controls my behavior most of the time. It also makes me feel good.

* * * * *

And then, I have long entertained my own “What If” --

We have a mind and a body. Lots of people, myself included, believe we also have a soul. We argue or wonder where does the soul reside? We don’t know. We just know we have one. And does where matter? Somehow, though, I think the brain – not the physical tissue but the mental electricity or whatever you call it – and the soul are connected. Our intellect, process of thinking, is contained IN the soul. Wherever that is.

And so, when we die, the soul separates from the body. Which it no longer needs. Which would be cumbersome at best if we’re going to be free to do all the things I believe we will be able to do.

What if that essence of “me”– that sum of my beliefs about everything I experienced/learned in this life – is there on the other side residing in my now unencumbered soul; the catalyst, the driver, as it were. Which can now grasp and experience the awesomeness of eternity. Do anything, experience any thing, go anywhere that my driver wishes. Amazing!

BUT . . .

What if I believe physical death to be the end of it all? What if I believe that this life is all there is? That is the mental energy that leaves with my soul when my body dies; the driver of my soul. So when I die, that IS it for me. I’m gone, goodbye, Adios Amigo, Finite.

IF we ARE what we believe, IF that is in the mental energy that is in our brain which is in our soul when we die, and IF we believe that physical death is IT, we have willed that mental energy to stop and desist, willing ourselves to eternal death. Not in the suffering sense, in the end sense. That’s it. It’s over.

Isn’t this also a slight variation on the conservative Christian take which I think might be expressed this way: God doesn’t send people to Hell. We get there on our own. By the life we lead; acts we commit, deeds we do, thoughts we have.

* * * * *

On my computer at work and home I have a screen saver that says: “Hello, M.O.M./W.O.W -- You Are The Rule”. M.O.M. stands for “Motherist of Mothers” which is the lovely greeting daughter Caryn put on a card to me once. W.O.W. stands for Wise Old Woman. I got that concept from Mists of Avalan (as in King Arthur) by Miriam Bradley. In her book she lists the stages of a woman’s life. From 50-70 a woman is considered a Crone. In medieval times, it was a term of respect because a crone was full of wisdom. (What happens after 70 I wonder? I’m only seven years away. Maybe then it’s D.O.F. Doddering Old Fool.)

“You Are the Rule” is because our young (39-year-old) marketing manager likes to tease me (I am the oldest living IMI (*) employee after all). Frequently when he leaves at night he sticks his head in my office door and says, “see ya, love ya, mean it, bye. Remember, you rule.”

When he first saw my screen saver at work, he laughed and laughed because he thinks I’m so naive, old, and out of it, that I misunderstood the slang. I didn’t. I’m not. I typed it that way on purpose so he would see it and have another opportunity to be amused with me. I try to indulge his fantasies if I can. Being the oldest and the office eccentric is a responsibility I take seriously.

(*) Irving Materials, Inc., largest privately owned concrete company in the U.S.

* * * * *

The Salon discussion turned to The Terrorism. I talked about how I feel. I am very patriotic but since the 80's(Reagan??), I have a hard time publicly expressing that patriotism because so many of the people who are jumping up and down, waving the flag, honking their horns, et cetera, hold dear to concepts of patriotism and right and wrong and justice and the American Way that are now foreign to me. Foreign meaning, if that’s where I started in my thinking as a child, I have long passed beyond that kind of thinking as an adult. Intolerance runs rampant in these herd ranks. Of people who look different or think differently. And I am intolerant of intolerance!

One woman raised the issued of patriotism vs globalism. Saying patriotism is counter-productive, opposed to, globalism. We need to care about the world, American patriotism interferes with that.

So how can we embrace/get to: I LOVE my country, I love the world. Whatever is good for my country must also be good for the world.

Because when we start searching for the “why” of these attacks, trying to understand and assess responsibility/blame, eventually the fickle finger of fate will be pointing back at us. America looks out for her interests. That has caused us to do immoral/bad things to other peoples, other countries. We are THEIR bad guy.

Of course that doesn’t justify blowing up trade centers.

What has this done to America? Can we be united, strong, tolerant and loving and supportive of ALL of us? Will this change things for a while? Six months? (Probably) A year (Likely)? Always? (I don’t think so.)

Yet I believe life in this society has been changed. And I don’t think it’s over. Now of course they’re talking about biological warfare. And talking and talking and talking!

I want to say SHUT UP to ALL the media. But I can’t. This is America, right?

We cherish our Freedoms – Freedom of Expression, Freedom of Cyberspace Misinformation, Freedom of Flapping our Jowls, Freedom of Crass Uncomprehending/Uncaring Consideration of Other People’s Pain to “Get the Story First”.

* * * * *

To those whiners and complainers and “victims” in our society I want to say: get up off your butts, stop being such babies, and DO YOUR PART. You have skills, abilities, ideas, physical prowess and we NEED you. Pull together with us to make this nation strong. We’ve carried you long enough. It’s time you pulled your weight. We have a job to do.

The job is to get up every morning and go to work and earn our money and take care of our families.

Except . . .

The radio is filled with interviews and discussions ad nauseam, many discussing the immense negative impact 9/11 is having on our economy. Many companies are laying off large numbers of people. Mostly these lay-offs are tied to the tourism industry. Of course no one is tourist--ing or flying right now. But why should this cause such widespread job loss? Why is so much of our economy service oriented? It should not impact our economy THAT significantly that people are not taking vacations and/or flying and/or eating out.

Why have we no industries for our people to work in? Where are the manufacturing plants for these folks I just criticized to go to? WHERE ARE THE JOB JOBS? Thank you, NAFTA!

* * * * *

Yesterday on NPR they were talking about biological warfare and said Anthrax and Smallpox are two main concerns of the global community. Oh, fine! Something else to worry about!

Three of my four children received their smallpox vaccinations. Along with all the other shots and vaccinations given as the result of regular visits to the pediatrician. Except Lisa. She didn’t get one. By the time she came along, the medical profession had “decided” since Smallpox had been eradicated from the earth there was no need to vaccinate so they stopped giving smallpox vaccinations. I argued in vain with the doctors. Now I am angry all over again. I couldn’t get the vaccination then and I can’t get it now. Now there is none. (Lisa, are you listening? You’ll have to be responsible for this now. And I am so very sorry.)

* * * * *

Every act of terrorism, whether it’s bullying a child on the playground or blowing up a trade center, has at it’s root selfishness and/or intolerance of another. Maybe God has put us here so that we can learn this lesson. Those of us who haven’t learned it, don’t understand it, make life miserable for the rest of us. Of course I don’t think God causes people to do bad things. People do bad things. And people do good things. Good things and amazingly heroic things.

If nothing else, these events should force us to re-examine our morals; our motives, actions, beliefs. Maybe God is using this tragedy to say. look, folks, you haven’t got it right yet.

* * * * *

All this writing and I don’t think I ever exactly said the thing I was thinking as I sat on the commode this morning musing and had this “epiphany” of understanding! It has eluded me! Isn’t that just like me! Hopefully, it will come back.

But it is always good to write. Sometimes it helps me clarify issues, or see things in a better perspective. This time it has provided an avenue for expressing my personal grief and thoughts over our horrendous national tragedy.

PLEASE . . . GOD . . . , BLESS AMERICA.

Is This the Party To Whom I AM Speaking . . . ? (12/03/2000)

I complain about today’s technology and where it is taking us. Even though I love it too. How you have to be an electronic engineer to know how to operate a radio, a VCR Remote, Stero, etc. Of answering machines that talk to answering machines. Of the fact that never can I make direct contact with my children via phone. ALWAYS I get their answering machines.

I DO have an answering machine. But ALWAYS answer when it’s a kid calling. If I’m there. So I tease/complain to them about it.

I do not have a cell phone.  I do not WANT a cell phone.  What is an iPod???? (Don’t even answer that!)

One day my daughter and I were discussing this and she said, “when dad calls and gets John’s machine, he says, 'well, what the hell are you mad about' and then John calls him right back.”

Hmmmmmmm.

* * * * * * * * * *

A Few Days Later -- 12/06/2000

Message Left on Son John’s Answering Machine
(Spoken in Deep, Gruff Voice)

So.

John.

This is your dad.

So what the hell are you mad about?

This is your dad. Not your mom.

So.  I called to wish you Happy Birthday.

And I know you’ll call me back in about ten minutes.

Because this is your dad. Not your mom.

And here’s a new number. I know you think it’s a strange number coming from me . . . your dad . . . in Michigan.

But it’s a cell phone. I just got it. (It’s NOT your mom’s phone).

It’s me. Your dad.

So.  Call me. At this number. 228-3714.

Me.

Your dad.

Bye.