Thursday, September 6, 2012

Losing a Mate

Replying to a friend’s blog in which she talked of the loss of her mate due to his death, more than a "reply", I realized I had just written a new entry for my own blog.

Dear (Blank):

Just read your latest post. I lost my husband in a different way -- through divorce -- after 22 years. I even hooked up afterwards with someone else for 8 years and then WE married, for 7, and then WE divorced.

I raised (4) children with my first husband. It was a tumultuous relationship from the beginning. I was young and naive at first; he was 3 years older and had been married once already. Thru the years his humor, more and more with a sarcastic wit when directed at me, finally did us in. Me, because I reacted, not from love but from hurt or anger. He, because he stopped loving who I became trying to cope with his sarcasm and, finally, out and out criticism.

My biggest regret in life is being unable to learn to live out my days with the father of my children. Somehow I was wise enough to tell them, thru the ensuing years, to maintain/keep alive their relationship with him. Even though he was "hard" on us all, my children managed to do so. Faults notwithstanding, he was basically a good man; a good provider and father to the best of his ability.

Sadly, he passed in 2008. I drove back to Michigan with one daughter for the funeral. It is heart-breaking when the father of your children passes, no matter what. We stayed a couple of days. At the home of his widow of 19 years.

Through the years we all came to understand that much of his behavior was due to insecurities formed when HE was a child -- the sins of the father . . .

Regardless of how you lose a mate, it is a painful, sorrowful process, and learning to live again an ongoing process.

I am no longer interested in forming another romantic relationship. Frequently, however, I long for the experience of sitting on my screened-in porch -- of an evening or morning -- or sharing a poignant "old" movie on TV -- or a special memory – with a long-time companion, a husband, for instance. Someone for whom there is frequently no need to talk but just "to be" . . . together.